May 2011
Did you know that the world is gonna end in 2012?
Yep...I've heard it over and over again. My weather man in NYC...you know that guy who used to play Bozo the Clown...yeah him. He mentioned it on TV the other day. Come on... Bozo would never lie! So it must be true.
My son TJ calls once a week to give me my 2012 end of the world weekly forecast. If he and so many other people are being scared plum out of their minds over all of this...then it just got to be true! My brother insists that the Mayans didn't know how to count and missed this very important date by A few months. This terrible mishap now makes the date the world will really end...May 21, 2011. He has never lied to me before...so now this must be true.
Now...that's gonna really mess my plans up for Thanksgiving Day. I've been storing that big bird in my freezer for months after I got it free with all my coupons at Shop-Rite. I was looking so forward towards the last TGD before the world's end in 2012 and now this? Guess I'll cook him for Easter...but is that Kosher?
To tell you the truth...I've been suffering from high anxiety ever since Hollywood made that big budget flick about 2012 and I believe they wouldn’t lie...would they? I'm not alone though. Prozac stock keeps rising as more and more people are drinking it by the six pack.
My mother who’s been a Jehovah Witness for 53 + years (which I've forever tried to keep secret) keeps telling me to be ready...the end is coming real soon. But then she's been saying this for the 52 years I've known her. Though for some strange reason... their Brooklyn based organization has stepped up their annoying door to door knocking until the end of this year. Now because of their new extended hours...you can expect to be disturbed almost 24/7. Do you think it's because someone in Brooklyn believes that the world is going to end in 2012? It's not like they've ever been wrong before...have they? Guys can you please give me a break and just text me your good news instead. I'm extremely nervous these days and so freaking tired of hiding by the window till you just go away. I do believe there's a snitch in the family. They always seem to find me where ever I go and hide. You're not helping lower my anxiety level here...people.
Yes the truth is that the world has 2012 mania these days. It's all because of this Mayan Indian guy (Whom I call Lucky) made a calendar which started during the 5th century BCE and stopped at 2012. Now maybe Lucky had a prophetic vision and really saw the end. Maybe he heard the voice of God speak to him...just like my ex sister in-law Yolanda claims to have. They're either both very special people in life like Moses or both need a shot of my Prozac.
FYI...it will do wonders for you!
Or maybe he really wasn't that lucky, drank some of that bad water way down south there and because he had the runs couldn't finish the calendar. Maybe he did write the 2012 page but invented The first sheet of toilet paper with it. Hey...it had to come from somewhere. I think they used parchment or lambskin back then...which would have made wiping very difficult but heck...whatever floated their boats!
But come on now...this all has to be true...because everyone is more obsessed by this than any other coming event in the near future. I heard a guy on the TV news the other day...joking that he wasn't worried about those morons in Washington wanting to close down the Federal Government due to the lack of agreement on a new budget. He laughed and said the jokes on them. When 2012 arrives...We won't need one. Or maybe the Pentagon has already given Washington their report on the oncoming disaster in 2012 and they feel there's no need for one now. Even President Obama is walking around much too cool these days with a smile on his face...like the cat that swallowed the canary.
Do you think...he knows something we don't?
All this talk about the world's end...makes my anxiety go up with these endless possibilities. Now I hear Anderson Cooper will be broadcasting CNN live from the ruins where Lucky actually wrote this calendar on 12/12/12. It's just got to be true...or why would everyone be running around in such panic over it?
I hope 2012 does usher in the end...because I just brought some new scuba gear and plan to use it to survive it all. I read Sanctum and other survival manuals...I'm prepared. Then right after it's all over...I'm going to march on over to Malibu and put in a nice big fat juicy claim for some of that prime beach property...that's if of course Sting doesn't survive this disaster with me. With my luck...he will and chase my ass, way down south to lowly Dana Point.
I'm gonna even change my name in participation of my new found luck.
I will no longer use my losers' name of the past. In the new Year...I will be known as Tim of Malibu and shall arise from the sea in 2012. Hey you know,
I really like the sound of that! But I am so ready and pretty excited about all of this...because everyone keeps telling me that 2012 is gonna be the end and if so many people are walking around with this gut feeling...then it's got to be true...right?
I know in less than 12 months life will be a little harder...like probably having only the dolphins as neighbors to talk to. But what was that movie...that Roy Schneider was able to communicate with them. 2010... the year we made contact?
No Jack that's not the flick.
I've been spending these last months of earth learning the art of survival in the Caribbean. Now I've just about graduated and can survive anything. Really...have you ever spent a few months in the Dominican Republic?
If you want to survive to the end...don't drink the water!
I am really looking forward to January 1, 2012. Can you imagine starting my new year with no more taxes, real estate commissions, over priced parking tickets...bad coffee like Folgers. It has been said... two things are for sure in life, death and taxes. In 2012...I will get to beat both!
I could strike it rich...if there still will be such a thing as money in 2012.
I'm gonna miss the world premiere of Batman the Dark Knight Rises in 2013. If only he'll survive it all too. So that he can tell me the ending. With all those cool end of the world gadgets he has...if Batman can't survive 2012...no one can!
No more Superbowl...how boring will February be without it? Ah man...this is gonna cancel the New York 2014 Superbowl...isn't it? And I was hoping to see my Giants play the New York Jets in that one. I was just waiting to see how many stupid drunken New Yorkers would foolishly freeze to death while I watched it all in the warmth of my sister's apartment in Queens. Blasted...she just bought a 55" 3D HDTV, just for this occasion. I guess she won't be using it for long. Life just won't be the same without the NFL. But come on...they had to know about a little problem like the world ending in 2012? This is probably why they rewarded it to cold New York in the first place. Good one anyway guys. You had many of us fooled with that prank. 1st Superbowl ever in the freezing cold...please. We're not that stupid...are we?
So as I wait out the last spring of mankind...I'm just sitting here contemplating the oncoming doom along with the fate of mankind as I sit here in peace on a lonely beach in the Caribbean...Megan's bay in St. Thomas, sipping on my Prozac in paradise. (I just had to come and see my mum one last time before the end...what kind of son would I be if I didn't?)
And BTW...I've sought of had this end of the world epiphany. Why the hell am I still paying credit card bills, a mortgage for a house I don't even live in and my child support payments anyway? Maybe by October...I'll get a little ballsy and stop paying them all. Come on what's the worst that can happen to me anyway? If the world doesn't end by New Year’s...when they haul my ass to court...I could blame it all on Lucky and his stupid calendar. Sheese...never let a Mexican do your accounting.
The judge at the courthouse in January will probably remember me anyway and throw me back into the crazy house. Then I can see all my old buddies and finish writing that New York Times Best Seller that I always wanted to write...2021 The Year The World Really Ends (this time.) It will be based on the premise that Lucky being an ancient high school dropout was dyslexic and got the numbers mixed up! Well at least that's what a voice from above...told me.
So as I sit here and wait for the end just reflecting on my life... I'm so thankful for so many things but especially for my San Francisco Giants wining the World Series once before the end. Hey guys, there's still some time to win one more ring. You still have months before the final dance.
I'll be happy when it's finally all over because there will be no more pressure on me to meet those forsaken manuscript deadlines for my books anymore. Only because there will be no one left to read them.
I have so much to do before this big doomsday date...like plans to go to a Big 5 store before December to buy a volley ball. I think I will call him Voit. This way...I'll have someone to talk too. I don't want to get too crazy...now do I?
On a sad note...there will no more 24 hr. pharmacies after New Year's. Now where will I get my Prozac from Walgreens...ha? Guess I'll just have to start smoking grass like the ancient natives did to relax.
So I'm just sitting here on this deserted beach...typing away on my iPhone thinking up crazy sh#t like...If for some unexpected reason in 2012...the satellites fell from the sky and those sophisticated poor bastards that compulsively twitter and text all day long were push back to primal times like the 1970's when cave people used more primal forms of communication like...writing a letter, having to buy a stamp and mail it out. Would they all lose their minds and start jumping off bridges?
Really...does anyone under 25 years old even know what a stamp is? I'm sure Apple stock is gonna take a bad hit in the first quarter of 2012. Better start selling that stock now. It sure was a nice ride while it lasted...wasn't it? I'm also thinking about change the names of the months after 2012...while I'm at it. I'll be in charge...who'll be there to object?
The truth is...Yes Virginia for what it's worth...the world is gonna end in 2012. Everyone has stop living because of it. Even my teenage son asks...why does he still have to go to school...if the world is going to end in a few months. Thankfully after New Year’s Day...my kids will stop making all that dreadful noise about having to go to school.
In 2012...you both won't really have to!
Sadly...no more Mickey D's and Taco Bells in 2012. Guess I'm going to have to start eating healthy from now on...but dam am I going to miss all that junk food!
I'm gonna now sit down and start planning my final New Year’s Eve party. I know the world is supposed to end on December 12, 2012, but you don't know Lucky the way I do and I've kind of lost faith in him...now that I've read up on him and learned his case history and all. Actually...I'm starting to realize that he wasn't that lucky at all.
So...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make my own prediction. It's that the world will not end on 12/12/2012 but instead on January 1, 2012 at the stroke of 12. Why? Because I know for a fact that Lucky couldn't count if his life depended on it (actually his body was never found) and that the Mayans being the crooks they were...shortened their months like everything else they did.
So now...I've got to come up with the ultimate New Year's Eve party and make it a smash. It might be my last meal ever.
So here's my PCL...Lobster tails, shrimp scampi, buffalo wings, porter house steak (medium rare), shrimp cocktails, eggplant parm (for my vegetarian brother), baby back ribs, chips and dip (clam dip for my peeps thank you), chocolate cake, cheese cake, pigs in a blanket (for the kids) pizza pies, (sounds more like a freaking Superbowl party.) Wine (Italian Merlot), Corona with lime and of course Champagne to toast the grim reaper when he arrives. In fact I even plan to fly everyone out to my party for free on a rented jet and I don't plan to pay for it.
OMG...this is so much fun...almost like Monopoly.
I will fund this last great party...by skipping out on paying my rent and car notes of course. I'm counting on that after New Years...not many bill collectors will be left on earth to harass me. Try none! Come into this world like a chump and go out like a champion...I always say.
FYI...am I going to give out some of the most expensive and lavish gifts I could find to all my guests that attend my EOTW party. Because I'm skipping Christmas this year all together...I will force everyone to attend my party in order to receive their gifts. I promise you...I'm not going out cheap. There will be an expensive gift waiting there for everyone. (Isn’t that End of the World Edict anyway?) Diamond Rolex Watches, Diamond Rings and Bracelets (from Tiffany’s), Apple iPads, iphones, Surfboards, Kayaks, Dr. Dre beats headphones and even a DTV Shredder. I was thinking about having some real fun by raffling off a brand new Jaguar before midnight...but I won't because it'll probably get damaged when the floods come.
Basically...I will buy anything I possibly can that I can charge on my American Express Gold Card. Being that this will probably be the first time in history that they won't be able get to send me their monthly statement...I get to skip out on paying this bill too! Love the math...Their loss is my gain. The best thing about all of this is that at the stroke of 12 midnight...if no one's left around, I get to collect all these gifts back, just to give them back out at a later time in history. Don't you just love the art of re-gifting?
My last party will be twofold...half New Year's and half my birthday. Because of this unforeseen occurrence upon the near horizon...I now have no other choice but to celebrate my BD early this year and in my favorite place on earth...San Francisco. Dani...uhm...that Nikon D90 would be a great birthday/EOTW present. I couldn't pick my birth place but I sure as heck will get to pick where I'm gonna die. Looks like I'm going to leave more than my heart in San Francisco....at the End of the World.
As they say...you only live once...unless you're a Buddhist of course. Then I want to come back as a dog and piss on someone's grave...but who?(Thinking...thinking) Dang...it.
So many enemies these days. WTF...I'll just drink plenty of water and wet them all. I did warn them once that I'll piss on all their graves, one day.
Don't want to be a promise breaker...do I? Wow...time to take my daily dose of medication.
Does anybody know if my main man Paul Anka is available...for a New Year's Eve gig? If I'm going out..he's the guy I'm want to hear singing my way...while I eat my last meal. Now if I was the Donald...I could get him at a moment’s notice of course. I'll just email and ask his daughter Anthea after I finish laughing...reading her hilarious blog. She has to know if her Dad is available for New Years.
If not...it's cool. I've got all his hits stored on my iPhone...one can never be too prepared for the end of the world. Well no use worrying about it...we all gotta go someday!
Just to CMA...I've put up a billboard on the San Francisco freeway and posted all over the Internet a sign which reads...
Leaving Earth soon?
On 5/21/11?
Leave all those burdensome & unwanted earthly possessions to me! Call...1-800-Leave Me That Yacht. You'll never have to worry about your stuff...again!
Just in case. I missed out on the California Gold Rush a century before...I'll be dammed if I miss out on this one.
[author:Timothy Pina|4054625]
